


called my demons (but gave them back)

by Lise



Series: Where the Devil Don't Go [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Fucked Up, Gen, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, M/M, Minor En Dwi Gast | Grandmaster/Loki, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Prostitution, Protective Thor (Marvel), Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, SO SO MANY ISSUES, Thor is doing his best, Unreliable Narrator, do I know what I'm doing? absolutely not, everyone's just kind of upset here, the one where Loki thinks he's doing okay (he's not)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 23:43:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: Loki is aware that he's not exactly helpful. Loki is aware that he needs to be helpful if he wants to be kept around.Something breaks on the Statesman, and Loki makes some decisions that Thor is not, strictly speaking, on board with.





	called my demons (but gave them back)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set, for reference, post-_drown my woes in a lake of fire_. As you can see, there are a lot of things remaining very, very unresolved. Loki's not exactly in the _best_ of conditions. Obviously.
> 
> An anon sent me a message prompting this one, though I don't know if they were _trying_ to prompt me or if I just looked at the idea, went "OH SHINY," and ran off with it. Anyway, though, I'm completely out of control with how fast this verse keeps growing - there are three other things tied to it that are in the works. _Three._ My life, I have no control over it.
> 
> If you want to see things like this early, or see me rambling about my fic in general (as well as a lot of other things), I'm over on [Tumblr](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com), lamenting my decisions and thinking about how I can make my favorite characters miserable next.

Thor was too kind to say it, but Loki knew what he was: dead weight.

He tried. Truly, he did, doing whatever he could, wherever he could, but a not insignificant number of Asgardians were clearly uncomfortable with him working alongside them, and Thor, Heimdall and Valkyrie had the higher-level organizing and governing work well in hand. They had, after all, been managing without him for some time. Thor included him in their meetings, and asked after his opinion (as though he actually wanted it), but he hesitated to give it.

Loki could not shake the fear that one wrong word would see him gone.

Thor was kind. Thor tried to tell him that he did not feel Loki had deserved his fate, and looked at him with pity and concern, but Thor had made it clear on Sakaar that his patience had run out.

And despite that, he had been given a reprieve. Loki doubted he would be given another.

If he could not find a way to make himself useful, Loki knew...Asgard was short on resources. It could not afford to waste space and food and energy. And that was the trouble, because that was what Loki was.

A waste.

Sitting in solitude, curled up in a corner of his room in the middle of the night, Loki caught himself tracing the disc on the side of his neck and forced himself to stop. The Grandmaster’s voice whispered in his ear: _maybe if you gave your brother some of this he’d think twice about kicking you to the curb later on._

Saliva filled Loki’s mouth and he swallowed the urge to vomit. A hysterical giggle swelled up and that he didn’t manage to catch in time. _You could certainly be useful that way, _he thought a little wildly. _Surely there are some Asgardians who could use a hole to fuck and wouldn’t be picky about whose it was._

He bent forward, shuddering, and tried to stop thinking. He’d gotten fairly good at that, but now that he was free (_are you?_) it seemed he’d lost the way of it. Loki missed that: the ability to erase himself, to make himself nothing.

Asgard didn’t have the luxury of harboring nothings. And what he owed Thor alone…

Everything. He owed Thor everything.

He could not repay that debt. But perhaps if he could prove that he still had some kind of use, when the reckoning came he would be able to hold out one small offering and say _see, I can still be valuable to you. I can never be worthy. But I can be useful._

If only he weren’t so very aware that he was useful for very little these days.

* * *

The Statesman was old. Not quite ‘decrepit’ but not exactly ‘fully functional’ either, and prone to breaking. Thor didn’t even seem surprised when a portion of the engine overheated and ceased to function, only sighed and directed them to limp to the nearest port where they could make repairs.

“And how,” Valkyrie said, “are we going to pay for the repairs? This isn’t going to be cheap, and I don’t have to remind you that we’re not exactly rolling in cash, and gambling’s illegal on Ollat Station.”

“We’ll manage,” Thor said stiffly. “There should be enough left in our coffers to cover it.”

“Depends,” Valkyrie said darkly. “How are your haggling skills, Your Highness?”

Loki sat quiet, his hands folded together in his lap, wheels spinning in his mind. He glanced at Heimdall, whose brow was creased in concern, and at Valkyrie, stress poorly disguised by a scowl, and Thor, trying too hard to look sure of himself.

_Will you look at that, _the Grandmaster said. _It’s your time to shine, baby._

He almost said it aloud. Almost made the offer: _aren’t you overlooking an obvious way you could cover the cost? _But he could imagine, easily, how Thor would react. He’d reject the idea out of hand. Would place Loki’s so-called _dignity _above the welfare of his people, and regret it later.

Thor would never agree. And so Heimdall and Valkyrie would not, either, following his lead despite their better judgment.

Asgard’s resources would thin even further. Less margin in which to keep a broken ex-whore.

At least this time, he thought, he’d be selling _himself. _And for a good cause. That had to be an improvement.

“Loki,” Thor said, his voice sharp, and he started, tensing. Heimdall had gone, but Thor and Valkyrie still stood looking at him.

“Apologies,” he said quickly. “I was distracted. What is it?”

Thor frowned at him, and Loki dropped his eyes quickly, folding his hands more tightly together to try to keep them still. “Nothing,” Thor said finally. “It’s nothing.”

Anxiety bubbled in Loki’s gut. He could almost see the cliff’s edge crumbling in front of his feet. “No,” he said quickly. “I’m - if you need something of me, ask.”

Thor’s expression flickered. He looked pained. “It’s nothing, Loki,” he said. “Be at ease. I will...see you later.” He turned and left. Valkyrie eyed him a few moments longer before following, and Loki saw a warning in her gaze.

He started shivering, and drew his knees up to his chest, his hand wandering up to slide his fingers over the metal of the disc.

_Things are so much simpler when you remember what you are._

Loki took a deep breath, pressed his forehead to his knees, and uncoiled, smoothing out his face. There was something reassuring about this, he thought distantly. About knowing exactly what he needed to do.

Honestly, it would be easy.

_Just like you, honeybunch. Just like you._

* * *

It was a simple matter to slip away from the Statesman when they landed. All he had to do was ask. “I’m feeling a bit restless,” he said to Thor. “Would it be all right if I took some time to stretch my legs?” He smiled, carefully wry. “I know you can handle yourself without me. Do not try to pretend otherwise.”

Thor studied his face like he was trying to read something there, and his nod looked reluctant. Loki wondered what he suspected; what he thought Loki might do, unsupervised. What sort of mischief he might perpetuate, despite his assurances that he was done with causing trouble. But it was still a nod. “Of course,” Thor said. “Only...you will be careful.”

“I will,” Loki said. “And I will not stay away too long.”

“Don’t worry,” Thor said. “I have a feeling this may take a couple of days.” For a moment, he looked weary, care settling on his brow, but a moment after he swept it away and reached out to clasp Loki’s shoulder. Loki flinched involuntarily, and then cursed at himself as Thor’s expression wavered and fell.

“Hopefully not,” Loki said, and, “best of luck, Thor,” slipping away before he could say anything.

He was going to have to control that. If he couldn’t let himself be touched without that sort of reaction...he wasn’t going to get very far.

Taking a risk, Loki used the money he’d pinched from Valkyrie’s purse to buy a strong drink, and downed that to dull his nerves before moving on to his real purpose. If this worked, he should have more than enough to replace it without her noticing. If it didn’t...he’d probably have larger problems.

Loki did not have much experience with the business side of this...sort of thing, but he’d seen the Grandmaster do it plenty of times. Walking the streets was neither an option nor appealing, and there was too much risk he might be noticed by any visiting Asgardians. Besides, that wouldn’t make the kind of money they needed. At least he knew how to find the sort of upscale connoisseurs who would pay, and pay well; and if that meant they asked for more...

At this point, there were very few things Loki hadn’t done. Or had done to him.

_It’s nice that you’re, ah, flexible, kitten. In more ways than one._ Loki controlled his flinch.

He snuck his way into a club with a very exclusive clientele, bought his second drink with the last of his stolen money, and sat down to wait, idly noting the tawdry decor and melodramatic design choices. It was exactly the sort of place the Grandmaster would love.

His stomach was burning. He wanted, very badly, to get up and run.

Loki didn’t have to wait long for someone to approach him. The frank appraisal that swept over his body, and the approving smile, made something deep in Loki’s chest squirm with pleasure. _You’re just - so eager to please, aren’t you, Lo?_

Loki smiled back, raising his eyebrows a fraction. “Can I help you?” he asked, pitching his voice low and warm.

“Possibly,” his possible client said. “I suppose that depends.”

“On what?” Loki let his smile turn wry, just this side of coy. “Are you trying to assess my...availability?”

He didn’t react. Not new to this, then. The burning in Loki’s stomach intensified. “So you are...available,” he said.

“I might be.” Loki leaned back. “What will you give me if I am?”

The price he named was almost absurdly - and certainly flatteringly - high. Loki restrained himself from simply agreeing immediately, a prickle of warning crawling up his spine. “That is quite an offer.”

“It is,” he said. “My price is...all-inclusive.”

Loki bit his tongue and gave himself a moment before asking, “how inclusive is ‘all’?”

“I’ll pay up front,” he said. “And if there is need for any...treatment afterwards, I can pay for that too.”

Loki shivered, just a little. Dread twisted with an unwilling arousal in his stomach. He fought against the latter, and then stopped fighting, because if he was going to do this then he might as well take what he could from it. Some part of him was still screaming in protest, telling him to throw his drink in this man’s face and run, to pull out a knife and gut him. The disc on the side of his neck seemed to throb.

_Thor, _he told himself. _Asgard._

_I can be useful._

“I accept,” he said, setting down his drink and standing, pulling out a card and sliding it in his new companion’s direction. “Direct the credits to this account, if you please.”

“Of course.” His smile was warm and dangerous. A vicious light sparked in the back of his eyes as he made the transfer, his gaze steady on Loki, and Loki could almost see the wheels turning, his imagination leaping ahead. “My name is Alaver.”

“Loki,” Loki said. He doubted the name would mean anything. If it did, the reputation would only help him.

Alaver just nodded, however, without recognition. “Come,” he said, like summoning a dog.

Loki took a moment - just a moment - to collect everything that wasn’t relevant, put it in a box, and shove it to the back of his mind. He was flesh and blood and bone to be used, and nothing more.

_Good boy, _the Grandmaster purred. _You’re such a natural at this. _Loki resisted the urge to touch the obedience disc. He walked out of the club and left himself behind.

* * *

It could have been worse. Loki had had worse. At some point it occurred to Loki hazily that what Alaver called ‘all-inclusive’ was not, actually, all-inclusive. He could have given some pointers.

The thought made him want to laugh.

When Alaver was done, Loki declined the offer of medical treatment. There was an expression of nearly stunned awe in his eyes as he watched Loki dress that should not have pleased him, but did. His joints ached, healing welts stung, and he was going to have to focus on walking normally for a bit, but he could stand, and he hadn’t screamed.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” Alaver asked. He sounded hopeful.

“I’m afraid so,” Loki said. “Only visiting.” Somehow, he smiled. “But I am flattered to be asked.”

He left, walking more or less steadily, calm and collected all the way down to the lobby and out into the street. He went a few blocks, then ducked into an alley and threw up a mixture of alcohol and semen. His body shook, a sob lurching up his throat that he caught before it emerged. Loki retched again, gagging on nothing.

_What’s all this fuss about? You knew what was going to happen. You signed up for this, sweetheart. You brought this on yourself. Remember?_

He remembered. He remembered trying to betray Thor - he didn’t even remember why, now, or what he’d been thinking. If he hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t be here now.

_One little fuck and you go all to pieces? Goodness gracious. Guess you really aren’t good for anything anymore._

Loki shoved his knuckles into his mouth and bit until he tasted blood. Then he forced his hand down and checked the time.

He needed to head back before Thor got suspicious.

* * *

Loki dozed until evening, when Thor came knocking. “Yes,” he said automatically, and regretted it when the door opened on Thor, frowning. His stomach swooped.

“Are you all right?” was his first question. “You look flushed.”

“Fine,” Loki said. “Just a little overwarm. Is that what you came to ask?” He was pleased with himself for sounding convincingly normal. Thor, however, was scrutinizing him like he was looking for another meaning. It was all Loki could do not to fall on his knees and beg for forgiveness, even if he wasn’t certain what, exactly, he might need forgiveness for.

“I was looking at the accounts today to see how much we could afford to spend on the replacement part,” Thor said. Loki just looked back at him, waiting, and after a moment Thor went on. “It seemed that there was a significantly larger sum than I recalled.”

Loki sat up. “Are you asking me a question?” he said. He knew he wouldn’t lie, if Thor asked directly. He couldn’t risk doing that. But he didn’t have to tell him, either. What Thor didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. And would help him a great deal.

“Did you do something?”

Loki considered that question. “What do you mean by ‘something’?” he asked. Thor’s eyes narrowed.

“Is that a yes?”

Loki pressed his lips together. “It might be better for your plausible deniability if I said nothing.”

Thor stared at him. “Did you _steal _from someone?”

“No,” Loki said. Thor’s frown deepened. He was thinking, and Loki kept his eyes on him, praying that he would tip to the better answer, the answer Loki needed him to choose. He thought he would, because Thor, even now, thought too well of Loki.

“Valkyrie said that gambling is illegal on this station,” Thor said. Loki shrugged.

“Did she say that?” he said. Thor stared at him for a long time, and Loki tried not to tense, aware that he was taking a risk, aware that if Thor decided criminality for Asgard’s sake was an unforgivable crime then - then he very well might be going back to Alaver and telling him he was available tomorrow after all.

If not worse.

Thor shook his head a little. “Loki,” he said, sounding reproachful. “That is a _serious _risk.”

Loki glanced aside. “I know,” he said. “I should have told you, but...I was careful. And I ensured nothing could be traced back to you.” He set a level gaze on Thor and said with all the sincerity he could muster, “I will not do anything to put you or Asgard in danger.”

Loki could see Thor struggling. But ultimately...he was a king now, and kings had to make hard choices. “I cannot thank you,” he said, and after a moment added, “certainly not for something I am not aware of.”

Loki relaxed. “Of course not.”

“But if I did,” Thor went on, “even if I disagreed with the methods...I might be grateful.”

Loki looked down and away. “For Asgard,” he murmured. He could feel Thor giving him a peculiar look.

“Indeed,” he said finally. “I hope you will come to dinner, Loki. I would be pleased to see you there.”

The door closed, and Loki let out a breathless sound of relief. He took those words and clasped them to his chest. _Even if I disagreed with the methods…_

Better a thief than a whore.

Loki did not go to dinner. He curled up under the blankets and closed his eyes, sick at himself.

* * *

“Can we talk,” Valkyrie said, sitting down across from him. Loki stopped picking at his food and lifted his eyes to hers.

“If you wish,” he said.

“So remember,” she said, “on Ollat Station? Where we needed to buy the belt, and we were nearly broke, until suddenly we weren’t anymore?”

“Yes,” Loki said. “That was only three days ago.” He realized even as he said it how he sounded, and flinched. “Apologies. I don’t mean to-”

“I don’t care what your brother says,” Valkyrie interrupted, “nobody makes that kind of money playing the tables for a few hours.”

Loki didn’t freeze. He didn’t let himself. “You don’t, perhaps,” he said.

“_Nobody,_” Valkyrie said. “You’re forgetting. I spent a long, long time on Sakaar. I know from gambling. And even accounting for cheating, it would at least take _longer _to get that kind of haul.”

Loki’s lungs tightened and his stomach curdled. “Of what are you trying to accuse me?”

Valkyrie rocked back and then leaned forward, her elbows on the table. “I’m not trying to _accuse _you of anything,” she said. “Only wondering if-” She cut off and looked away, scowling at one of the walls. Loki waited to see if she would press, but she just shook her head violently, lips twisting. “Never mind.” She slapped her hands on the table. “Good talk,” she said, and left with quick, short, strides.

Loki weighed the possibility that she would bring her suspicions to Thor, and decided it was unlikely. She hadn’t pressed him for any confirmation, after all. Hopefully she understood as well as Loki did that some things were better for Thor not to know.

* * *

“Loki,” Thor said, just as he was standing to leave another meeting of their little council. “Stay back. I want to speak with you alone.”

Loki’s heart rate ratcheted up somewhere into the stars. His eyes widened and he glanced toward the door without meaning to, rapidly flicking through the last few days trying to think what he might have done to anger Thor. Already formulating an apology, penance, something to make it better-

“Yes,” he said, his voice thin. “Of course.”

Heimdall gave him an unreadable look before he closed the door behind him. Loki swallowed hard, fighting the urge to fold his arms around himself and hunch his shoulders, the urge to go down on his knees and plead forgiveness.

“Sit,” Thor said, and then a moment late, “please.” Loki sat, folding his hands into his lap and looking at Thor, trying to read his face, his body language. He was angry, Loki thought, and trying not to show it. Angry about what? He couldn’t _think _of anything he might have done, but then it seemed sometimes he didn’t always know when he _had _done something wrong.

“Thor,” he blurted out into the stretching silence. “Your Highness - however I may have erred, I want to assure you that I will set about mending it at once, and accept any judgment as you see fit.”

Thor’s expression darkened more and Loki curled into himself, quailing. He averted his eyes, breathing hitching in his chest. “I am sorry,” Loki said, the words tumbling out as quickly as he could say them. “I would - I would be more precise, but I apologize, I do not know-”

“Loki,” Thor interrupted, his voice a rumble, and Loki flinched, “_stop._”

He stopped. His head was spinning. _No, _he thought. _It’s over, it’s over and I don’t even know why, maybe there is no why, maybe he’s just sick and tired of you, pathetic disgusting wretched broken creature, worthless, why would he keep you, it was just lingering sentiment and now he’s realized his mistake._

Desperate, he slid from the chair to his knees, bowing his head in a supplicant’s pose. “_Please,_” he gasped. “I know - I know I do not deserve it, but give me one more chance-”

“_Loki,_” Thor said, and now there was horror alongside the anger. “Don’t - stop - what do you think I’m going to _do?_”

Loki twitched, shivering. He couldn’t think past the dizzy fear swallowing him whole.

He heard Thor’s chair move across the floor, and footsteps, and Asgard’s king knelt in front of him. “Brother,” he said, and the anger was weaker now, replaced by worry. “Look at me.”

Loki raised his eyes immediately at the command, staring wide-eyed at Thor. Thor reached out slowly and laid a hand on his shoulder, and Loki did not let himself flinch, but Thor’s expression still spasmed with pain. Loki’s stomach twisted. Another mistake.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said, speaking slowly. “I am not going to - throw you out. I only want to _talk._”

Loki blinked at him, uncomprehending. Thor closed his eye and rubbed at his eyepatch. “Norns,” he said quietly.

“You are angry,” Loki said tentatively. “With me.”

Thor made a noise. “I’m not angry with you.”

Loki flinched. “It’s all right. Whatever I did wrong-”

“It’s not-” Thor blew out a breath. “It’s not like that.”

“I don’t understand,” Loki said, almost plaintively.

Thor exhaled, long and slowly. “Something kept bothering me,” he said. “About the money. That you said you won gambling. Only you didn’t say that, did you? You let _me _say it. All you said was that you didn’t steal it. You used to do that all the time, didn’t you? Only I never noticed. Not _lying, _exactly, just letting me make my own conclusions.”

Loki couldn’t look at him. But he didn’t know if he was allowed to look away, either.

“And eventually I thought, ‘what about the account the money was transferred from?’ That would be a trail that led to me, after all - gambling earnings to my account. Better to deal in cash, and of course you would know that.” He paused. “Unless that wasn’t where it came from, and there was no concerns about any possible illegality.”

Somewhere distant, Loki swore at himself. He’d been in such a hurry to make sure the funds were in place that he’d trusted to Thor not asking too many questions. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Thor paused for a long time. Loki fixed his eyes somewhere over his left shoulder.

“I checked,” Thor said finally. “Prostitution isn’t illegal on Ollat Station.”

A shudder ran through him from head to heels. Loki took a quick, involuntary breath. _Prostitute is such an ugly word, _the Grandmaster said. _I think we can come up with something better._

He didn’t say anything.

“Say something,” Thor said.

“What do you want me to say,” Loki said helplessly.

“Tell me that I’m wrong.”

The rule about lying clashed with the need to do what he was told and Loki said nothing as he struggled with which ought to take primacy. He heard Thor make another of those unhappy noises. “Loki,” Thor said, “did you...sell yourself to someone to help cover the cost of repairs?”

Loki pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Shame was an animal gnawing on his entrails. “Yes,” he said hoarsely. “I - had to do something. Money was tight and I knew-”

“_You could be quite valuable in the right markets,_” Thor said. His voice was thick with a disgust that made Loki want to curl up and die. “Yes. I remember you saying as much.”

“I didn’t mean for you to - no one else knows,” Loki said. “Valkyrie suspects, I think, but - no one else. I don’t want to bring dishonor on you. I can appreciate if-”

“Would you _stop talking,_” Thor said loudly, and Loki dropped his eyes and clamped his lips shut. Thor let out a string of expletives and lurched to his feet, moving away.

“I’m going about this all wrong,” he said, and he didn’t sound angry anymore, just...desperate. Afraid, maybe. “I’m...sorry. For snapping at you. Loki, please, would you...sit? I’m asking,” he said quickly. “That isn’t a command.”

Loki weighed that, and decided that command or not, it was a wish, and at the moment, when he was barely clinging to the precipice by his fingernails, he had best be very good. He made himself stand, walk to a chair, and sit down. He didn’t look in Thor’s direction. Didn’t want to see the look on his face.

“Tell me why,” Thor said.

“Why…?”

“Why you did it,” Thor said. “Why you thought it was - necessary for you to...did someone tell you to? Or suggest…”

“No,” Loki said. “No one told me to. I decided on my own.”

“Why?”

Loki glanced at Thor before he could stop himself, surprised by the question. “Because we needed the money.”

“I said we could manage it.”

“I’ve seen the accounts,” Loki said. “Manage it, perhaps, but resources would be thinner for food at our next stop. And if anything else broke…” He twitched one shoulder up and then down. “I knew you wouldn’t like it.”

“But you did it anyway.” The anger was back, and Loki dug his fingernails into his palms.

“Yes,” he said. “I know that might have been wrong, but - I thought, for the greater good...I want to be useful.”

“You are useful,” Thor said.

“No,” Loki said. “I’m not.”

Silence. Loki wished he dared look to see what expression was on Thor’s face, but he didn’t.

“Did I…” Thor trailed off. “Did I ever. Did I do something to make you think that I _wanted _you to…”

“No,” Loki said immediately. “No, of course not. I knew you would never ask. That’s why…” he trailed off. Clearly it had been a mistake. It seemed so obvious now: it was deceit, going behind Thor’s back, ignoring his wishes. All the mistakes he’d sworn he was done making, and he’d made them again. For a good reason, of course, but weren’t they always, right up until they weren’t?

He closed his eyes and said, “I suppose it is too late to say that I will not do it again.”

“Too late for what?” Thor said, and then, “Loki, I told you that I am not going to throw you out.”

“Thank you,” Loki said hollowly.

“Don’t…” Thor trailed off. He rose, and Loki could hear him pacing. “Why,” he said abruptly. “Why won’t you do it again?”

“I lied to you. By omission if nothing else. I disobeyed you, and went around your authority. I did something knowing you wouldn’t approve.”

“That’s not - all right, perhaps I am upset about some of that. But that’s not _really _what I’m upset about. Loki, would you...please...look at me?”

Loki forced himself to do it, and almost wanted to weep. Thor’s eye was red-rimmed like he was about to cry, his expression one of anguish. _You did this, _hissed a voice in his mind that wasn’t the Grandmaster’s, was purely his own.

“I don’t want you to - sell yourself,” Thor said. “But not because it’s - a disgrace, or dishonor, or because I told you not to. I want you to not do it because that’s not who you are. Because you deserve better.”

“I don’t,” Loki said, almost automatically. Thor’s face spasmed with a mixture of guilt and rage.

“Did _he _tell you that?”

_He didn’t have to tell me, I already knew, _Loki thought, but the Grandmaster had, hadn’t he, again and again, _such a treasure, Lo, I mean, are you really good for anything else?_ He wasn’t wrong. He’d never been wrong.

It was like he’d told Thor. All his mistakes had come from reaching too high. Thinking he deserved _more _or _better._ He knew now how wrong he’d been.

“I should have known,” Thor said, his voice bitter. “I should have _seen _that you would…” He trailed off.

“It’s not your fault,” Loki said. Thor said nothing, but Loki could hear the disagreement in his silence. He cast about for other words. “Asgard can’t afford a waste of space.”

“A waste of-!” Thor cut himself off and took a sharp breath. “Loki,” he said, slowly and clearly, “you are not, and never have been, a _waste of space._”

Loki smiled, tremulous and painful. “I know what I’m good for, brother.”

Thor shook his head, lips pressing into a line. “I don’t think you do.”

Loki’s stomach turned and he looked down at his hands in silence.

“Loki,” Thor said, his voice heavy. “You know that...I don’t care if you are _useful. _I don’t care if you - lie in your berth and sleep all day, except that it would worry me if you did. I don’t need you to - prove anything.”

“I do,” Loki whispered, and, “you will.”

“No,” Thor said. “I won’t. I am not trying to test you. I am not trying to trap you. I just want…” Thor took a deep breath. “I just want you to be _well._”

Panic beat its wings against his sternum. “You are too kind,” Loki said. “You will regret it, later. You feel sorry for me now, because I am - wretched and pathetic. But that is just - you were angry. I manipulated you out of it.”

“Oh, yes,” Thor said. He sounded both tired and a little bitter. “Your terrified pleading with me was all part of your clever manipulations.” Loki twitched a little, and Thor said more gently, “I wish you were not afraid of me.”

“I am not afraid of you,” Loki said.

“Liar.” Thor didn’t sound angry when he said it. Just...sad. “I want to help you,” he said. “I mean it, Loki. I want to help you. Only I don’t know how.”

Loki closed his eyes. “You have no obligation.”

“I know,” Thor said. “I know you will not believe it, but: neither do you, to me.”

Thor was right. He didn’t believe it, because it wasn’t true. Thor was kind enough that he might believe it was. But Loki knew better.

A debt was owed that he couldn’t repay.

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t try. 


End file.
